The Wife Conspiracies

I have started to believe there might be conspiracy among some wives. From my observations and personal experience, I have noticed many wives tend think their husbands are hard of hearing, while the corresponding husbands believe their wives mumble. Uhmmm…

From personal experience, I know my wife tries to talk to me while her head is in the refrigerator. I have literally stood in the living room, watched her turn, open the refrigerator door, bend over, start to look for something in the back of the ’fridge, and then say, ”Fasdfgi asitnd auyhn tch mpikfdgtgiut, afihua junmbf gheifvg dyu tink?”

She then expects me to have understood every word.

There is also the work communication problem. She sits in the family room working on her computer while I am in the office. Suddenly, with all the humming computers around me, along with the humming router, printers, and universal power supply universally supplying power, I will hear, “Ktgiubgo hroithrot tgitg afh asfuig asdfgh diasdfi di u?”

Now there is no possible way I could have ever understood what she was trying to say. I have tried explaining this on occasion, but somehow, the message does not compute. I think she has no problems hearing herself, and because she can hear herself, according to her thinking, surely I should be able to hear and perfectly understand everything she says.

Uhmmm…

I thought this was a problem unique to our household, but then I started talking with other husbands. It seems their wives are also accusing them of being hard of hearing. In further discussion, I discovered they are suffering many of the same issues I discovered happening in my own home.

Some of these husbands have actually suggested that instead of investing in hearing aids for them, their wives should invest in de-mumblers. Sometimes they get into trouble for such suggestions. I keep that one to myself. My wife does not mumble; she merely talks to me while she is in other rooms of the house—and then fully expects me to understand what she said. Uhmmm…

I just don’t understand why it is all my fault; just because I spent time on aircraft carriers with jets turning, and I flew those first 2000 hours in my log without proper hearing protection, I just don’t get why it is all my fault.

Kids, don’t try this at home! Always wear your David Clarks and the next time you have to replace them, buy yourself a good set of active noise reduction (ANR) headsets. Later in life, you may be able to understand what your spouse is asking or trying to say from the back of the ’fridge or closet. 

Okay, so I am finishing this blog and because my wife is one of the primary subjects of the writing, I hand her the computer so she can read the blog and suggest her revisions, if necessary. I go off, take care of some business elsewhere in the house, and come back into the family room to inquire as to her approval or disapproval of the blog.

She approves. Then I head toward the kitchen to get a drink. While I am standing near the dishwasher (which is running) she (near the television, which is on) says, “Kasdfr sfdasd rtgty tu de.”

When I lean in closer to hear what she said, she repeats, “You should listen to me.”

Uhmmm…

-30-

© 2011 J. Clark

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4 Responses to The Wife Conspiracies

  1. Ardis says:

    This from a man who can hear the faint drone of a distant aircraft engine and correctly (at least I’m convinced) identify the airplane. If I could make my voice sound like an aircraft engine you would have no problem hearing me.

  2. flyinggma says:

    It’s a guy thing Joe. From the time guys are born they like anything that makes noise. If it doesn’t, they create their own. It’s no wonder men can’t hear when they get older. I’m with you on wearing ear protection. You only get one set of ears.

  3. Jay Mirabal says:

    Joe, trust me, I hear you loud and clear (no pun intended). My wife likes to talk to me while I walk away from her to attend to something more pressing at the current moment. For example, when we are in Wal-Mart, I tend to wander around. She’s very aware of this. However, as I gravitate toward something more appealing than the latest toothpaste selection, she likes to chat my ear off. So, I keep walking, and laugh to myself.

    It’s all in good humor- wives just don’t understand.

  4. WhatEVER! If you men really understood us, you wouldn’t have to hear the words coming out of our mouths. You would just know what we were thinking. Shame on you. Asfrwerj werejkl twek tjewl we tu?

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